Revolutionary Girl Osaka
by Rick Spiff
Summary: Title says it best. Mostly AzuDai with some strong Utena influences.


The young girl stood just inside of the school gates, taking the measure of this new place. Sure, it looked great from the outside--a far cry from the schools she had attended in the past--but there was more to a building than it's cladding, more to a book than it's cover.

She'd read that somewhere.

Her short hair fell to her shoulders without crinkle or curl, and was plucked at softly by the spring breeze. Students filed into the main courtyard, their turquoise uniforms luminescent in the morning sun.

She nodded to herself. This was much better than the pink uniforms of her previous school. With that single long look complete, she stepped through the gates, the script 'Ohtori Academy' spread above her in fine bronze.

* * *

"Revolutionary Girl Osaka"

An Azumanga Daioh / Shojou Kakumei Utena fusion.

By Rick Spiff

Disclaimer: It should, by now, be obvious that I don't own diddly squat. I don't even have a sense of shame to call my own. Both Azumanga Daioh and Shojou Kakumei Utena belong to people richer and more connected then myself. This story is dedicated to their creativeness and my unwavering desire to do things that just shouldn't be done.

* * *

Episode 1: "A Rose has One Blossom, but Many Thorns"

Class is Hell.

Osaka entered her new classroom at the request of Yukari-sensei, and stood before the chalk board.

"Ladies...and you horn-dogs in the back, this is--" A sudden blast of white noise obscured the next two words out her mouth, but no-one save the girl herself seemed to notice. "--and she's from the Kansai area. Please introduce yourself."

The girl bowed and stated her name, and at that moment, the white noise rose again, making it impossible to make out. Again, no-one took notice.

They did, however, notice the four roses floating around her face, forming a square. Each rose was a dark pink and rotated slowly in place.

"Hey, teach!" One short-haired girl at the front shouted. "Why don't we just call her 'Osaka' since she's from Osaka?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Yukari-sensei waved the decision away. "Sit there." She said, pointing to a seat next to the short-haired girl who did the shouting.

"Osaka" moved to her seating, finding herself between the loud girl and a girl with long hair and glasses. Each one was trying as hard as possible not to look at each other, which left the new girl feeling like someone was trying to make her invisible.

Shrugging, Osaka sat and opened her text book.

"All right class, turn to page 126 in 'A Modern History of Japan.'" Yukari-sensei announced.

Half of the class blinked in unison.

The other half stared blankly.

"She's our English teacher. Is she drunk?" The girl with glasses said under her breath.

Osaka did her best to pay the girl no mind, deciding to swap text books and concentrate on the material.

This proved to be all but impossible.

The first passage Osaka read, the first sentence in fact, out of her history book said that combat in some war or another was hours and hours of complete and utter boredom interrupted by mere moments of pure terror.

Fifteen minutes into class, long after many students' brain waves had been coaxed into deep sleep by Yukari's monotone lecture, Osaka became intimately familiar with that un-named soldier's observation.

"WHY ISN'T ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?!!" Shrieked Yukari-sensei.

Osaka quickly wiped a bit of drool from her face and tried to look as awake as possible.

"Osaka!" Yukari snarled. "Wipe that vacant expression off your face this instant!"

"Yes ma'am!" Osaka said sharply, instinctively saluting.

Yukari-sensei began stalking up and down the classroom, striding up and down between the rows of desks like a drill sergeant. Everyone sat up in their seats and faced forward stoically. Backs were ram-rod straight. Pencils were arranged perfectly parallel to the edges of desks. Textbooks were all open the exact same amount. You could measure the angle from cover to cover with a laser protractor. All were turned to exactly the same page.

An eerie silence came over the room.

Randomly, Yukari would stop in front of a student and bend down to examine their face closely, like a pathologist examining a fatal wound. After a moment of unbroken terror, during which her subject would try not make a sound, move a muscle, breathe, or let his of her heart beat, Yukari would sniff dismissively and move on, like a wolf looking for fresh meat.

She stopped at Osaka's desk and barked out a question. "All right, new girl. What did the last passage say?"

Osaka's brain froze. She blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford no better turn than this. Thou art a villain!"

The next to her, the one with the glasses, didn't move a muscle, didn't flinch, didn't so much as change the rhythm of her breathing. Yet, Osaka had the feeling that if she had moved, if she had done anything, she would have offered Osaka a blindfold and a cigarette.

The girl on her other side would have been showing her a fine selection of tombstones.

Yukari-sensei burst out laughing. She tried vainly to repeat Osaka's quotation, but was only able to mock one word at a time as she stumbled up to her desk and held herself upright. Osaka's mouth had slowly drifted into a slight grin by the time Yukari-sensei got herself pretty much under control.

"Ah, Shakespeare," She sighed. The rest of the class watched her, a few cracking sympathetic smiles of their own, a few breathing carefully concealed sighs of relief.

"What are you lot looking at?" Yukari barked.

The sounds of twenty-seven jaws snapping shut and fifty-four eyeballs adhering themselves to textbooks echoed through the classroom.

The Rose Bride and The Understudy.

Lunch was an affair always met with enthusiasm. Osaka finally got the chance to meet the two girls sitting to either side of her. They introduced themselves one at a time, as if the other girl were a stranger not be associated with.

"Tomo Takino. Class brain. Pleased to meet you." The first girl said enthusiastically over her bento.

"Ignore her." The girl with glasses said, separating her chopsticks. "Koyomi Mizuhara. Just call me Yomi. Everyone else does."

"I gave you that nickname." Tomo said haughtily, acknowledging Yomi around a mouthful of rice.

Yomi ignored her 'friend.' "Everyone that meets her calls her an idiot."

"You'll pay for that!" Tomo shouted, a fist raised threateningly.

Yomi pulled down one eyelid and stuck her tongue out. "Biii-da!"

"How do you two know each other?" Osaka said, nibbling on her bento.

"Oh, we've known each other for years." Tomo began.

"Sadly." Yomi quipped with a smirk.

"I came here because she dared me to."

Osaka looked at Yomi, who shrugged. "I told her it was impossible for her to get in. I guess I underestimated her thick-headedness."

"I'll give you thick-headed!" Tomo growled. "Who's always delivering your homework when you miss class?"

"Sakaki-san." Yomi answered without looking up.

"Who's always making you lunch?"

"I am."

"Well..." Tomo was not to be dissuaded. "Who's your most faithful understudy?"

Yomi slammed her bento onto her desk, finally shouting. "You are not my understudy! There's no such position! There's no understudy for--" Yomi stopped and looked nervously around the class, as if afraid to let the next word pass her lips. "--that thing." She finished quietly.

The girls lapsed into a boiling silence with a side of cold hatred. After a minute Osaka asked, "What thing?"

Yomi looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Something...this Rose..." the next word came out a whisper. "bride thing I'm involved in." Then a dam seemed to break within Yomi. She grabbed Osaka by the shoulders, her voice desperate, way too much white showing in her eyes. "I did it for the Student Council President. She made me do it! I didn't want to! I didn't want to! The dresses! The swords!"

Osaka blinked.

Yomi plowed ahead, now shaking Osaka. "She's a madwoman! A madwoman I tell you! She'll have my hide if I talk! Have to find a place to hide! Have to find a place to hide!" She drew her legs up to her chest and began rocking slowly back and forth, chewing nervously on her chopsticks and looking around wildly all the while repeating the words 'too cute' like a mantra to ward off evil.

"She gets like this sometimes." Tomo said, as if that explained everything, and started patting Yomi on the back in a sisterly fashion while offering her some of her lunch.

Osaka looked on, thoroughly confused, but highly intrigued.

A Dangerous Accessory.

At the end of the first day, a terminally shy girl Osaka recognized as Kaorin, wandered up to her desk.

"Osaka?"

"Yes?"

"Would you be interested in working with me on tonight's assignment? It looks a little hard and I noticed you kept looking down, taking notes during class, yours have to be better than mine!"

Osaka instantly flipped open her notebook. She only remembered horribly interrupted naps occuring during the day. Perhaps she was sleep-note- taking. There was a chance she would pass this class after all!

Kaorin read the first line in something that must have been breathless apprehension. "Fore score and seven beers ago..."

Then again, maybe that was stunned disbelief. Osaka looked at the notes herself.

The rest of the page was blank.

"The founding fathers must have been heavy drinkers." Osaka noted dryly.

"How do you figure?" Kaorin asked, and eyebrow raised enquiringly.

"Well, they obviously got so drunk," Osaka pointed at the rest of the blank page. "That they couldn't remember what they did to form the nation."

The bit of skin around Kaorin's left eye twitched as she followed the pointing finger and the hand it was attached to.

Osaka plowed ahead, trying to recall what had been written in her history book. Or was it that manga she was reading late last night? "They woke up the next day in the middle of a huge political scandal and they had a constitution and everything. And that's why the country's such a mess now, because--"

"What's that ring you're wearing?"

The interruption was like the discordant sound of a hand being slammed carelessly onto a piano. Osaka's monologue screeched to a halt. "Eh, what?"

Kaorin, showing entirely too much white in her eyes, pointed mutely at the rose crest ring on Osaka's hand.

"This? Oh, it was the coolest thing. I found it in--"

Kaorin's mouth moved, but the voice that spoke had the deep tones of a teenaged boy. "I challenge you."

A tall man with long green hair and a classically beautiful face stood over Osaka's desk, gazing at her ring with a look of expectation. Osaka fumed. Couldn't she finish a sentence around here without--

"There's no need for that." Yomi interjected.

Hey, wait a minute! Osaka thought desperately. "Who are you?" She asked out loud.

"You may call me--"

"Saiyonji-sempai..." Yomi drawled.

The tall...Saiyonji seemed to finally notice Yomi existed. "Yes?"

"She just got here. Shouldn't you let her settle in a bit?"

"Her comfort is not my primary concern." He said in a voice like milk chocolate.

Osaka's stomach rumbled.

Saiyonji sweatdropped. "Perhaps another time?"

"How about tomorrow?" Osaka offered.

Yomi had her hand protectively on Osaka's shoulder, even though she was standing behind the new girl.

"I see..." Saiyonji said to himself, then nodded at Osaka. "Very well. Meet me after school, tomorrow, in the forest behind the athletic field." He turned to make his dramatic exit, an appropriately dramatic wind picking up to gently caress his emerald locks. 12.47 girls swooned at the effect...until Osaka finally spoke.

"Are we going to pick up stray baseballs?"

There was a loud crash by the door. Saiyonji picked himself up from his face-fault. "The great Saiyonji does not do the work of peasants! We shall duel there, Osaka, and your insults shall...insult me no more!"

Saiyonji thrust a fist in the air and stormed out of the room.

"That was lame. Very lame." Yomi said

Osaka nodded at the empty doorway, not even sure what she was agreeing to. A duel? Wasn't that some kind of dance? The other girls looked impressed, maybe even a little jealous. Maybe she was being invited into some secret club. A dueling club! Where they would duel...whatever that meant. Osaka smiled. This was going to be so cool!

...Whatever it was!

The Word and the Blade.

Osaka stood at the center of the dueling arena. Well, she supposed that's what it was. Several handy signs had pointed her here, and here she stood. Saiyonji stood a little ways away, Yomi behind him. He was dressed in his school uniform. Yomi was wearing a beautiful red gown.

Osaka waved to Yomi. "Hey! Yomi! How'd you do on the quiz today?"

Yomi put her head in her hands and held up a piece of paper with a 35 circled in red at the top.

"If you two are QUITE FINISHED!" Snapped Saiyonji, and he pointed at Osaka. "Draw your sword!"

Before Osaka could protest, he pulled an elegant rapier from Yomi's chest. The stylish unsheathing was timed to an excellent light show. Osaka applauded loudly, causing Yomi to blush and Saiyonji to stamp his foot in anger before composing himself.

"Where is your sword?" Saiyonji asked sweetly.

SHE was supposed to have one already? "I don't carry swords, usually." Osaka said nervously. "They're dangerous." It was true, too. Who would want to risk tripping while carrying a sword? And while on that huge spiral staircase? These duelists were real thrill-seekers all right.

Saiyonji faltered. Slightly. "Silly girl." He executed a nice hair- toss, only to falter when Osaka applauded it loudly. "Er...what do you intend to duel with?"

Osaka pulled out a Magic Marker(tm). "The pen is mightier than the sword."

The face-faults could be heard throughout the entire campus. Once Saiyonji had recovered (and executed another hair toss, and received another brief round of applause from his opponent) he bowed to Osaka, his arms spread wide. "Then let the battle begin."

Yomi placed a rose on Osaka's shirt. "The winner is the one who knocks their opponents rose from its pin."

She did the same to Saiyonji, chastising him. "You should just see if she'll back down. Or reschedule, she's not properly armed, you know."

Saiyonji ignored her, but waited for Osaka to raise her marker before charging.

"No!" Yomi shouted, darting around the tall boy and standing in his path. "Didn't you hear me?!"

"Useless woman!" Saiyonji shouted, attempting to shoulder Yomi aside.

Yomi soundly decked him.

"What was that for?" Saiyonji said from his position sprawled on the arena floor.

"What was that for?" Yomi said, hands on her hips. "You're attacking a defenseless student, in a lower grade, who's only armed with a marker when you're holding a sword, and you're trying to shove me aside?!"

"I...er...that is...Look, I'm supposed to--"

"It's okay." Osaka said, stepping around Yomi. "I'll take him on."

The fight was on before Yomi could utter another word. The combatants raged and struggled, working their way around the arena in a blur of attacks and defenses, steel deflecting off of plastic.

Osaka dodged the strikes sent at the rose on her chest with astonishing ease. Saiyonji was ruthless with his reach advantage, though he could neither drive Osaka back nor keep her in striking distance for long. If nothing else, she was a fast fighter that was keeping him on his toes.

But eventually her speed began to wear on him. Just as he was about to change tactics, and make a strategic repositioning on the battlefield that would give him some distance--say a hundred paces or so--she lunged into his guard and struck.

Rose petals flew into the air.

Yomi breathed a sigh of relief.

Saiyonji...stared.

"Yay! I won! I won!" Osaka exclaimed. She took Saiyonji by the arm and danced him over to Yomi, whom she grabbed with her other hand and continued to dance about. "Let's go out and celebrate!"

And so ended Osaka's first duel at Ohtori Academy.

Occupational Hazards.

"Did that sword hurt? When it came out of your chest, I mean." Osaka looked expectantly at Yomi. The match with Saiyonji had ended an hour ago, and after that they had been chased off by the sword-swinging maniac yelling something about 'Riverdance,' whatever that was. Yomi had stopped to change...somewhere, and the two had spent the past thirty minutes setting up their new dorm room.

Blinking at the recap, Osaka looked expectantly at Yomi.

"Nah. I've been doing that trick for ages." The taller girl said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"Isn't it dangerous?" Osaka asked.

Yomi shrugged, eager to drop the subject. "Occupational hazard."

"Do you know why Saiyonji-sempai was upset? I didn't understand what he was yelling about..."

"Neither did I. He's probably a bit upset about losing. I heard he lost a kendo match a few months ago, was totally calm about it until he got back to the locker rooms, then he threw a tantrum like a five year old." Yomi smiled pleasantly at the thought.

Osaka pictured a small child with Saiyonji's face crying pitifully. "Oh."

"Look, Osaka. You're a nice girl, and there's some things I feel I had better tell you about the situation you've found yourself in."

"You mean the spiders?"

Yomi's eyebrow began to twitch. "S-s-s-spiders?"

"Don't worry, I got rid of 'em already." Osaka held up a book with dozens of flattened arachnid carcases sticking to it. Yomi shrieked and backed away.

"You find 'em cleaning every dorm room, it seems." Osaka noted casually. "Occupational hazard."

Yomi twitched.

Ph33r teh Cut3 Ones.

(With apologies to Fred Gallagher.)

A pair of blond pigtails bounced merrily through the air while their owner skipped down the path to school. She stood a good head shorter than her peers, most of whom politely stayed out of her way as she passed them.

Not far away, a familiar girl moved along with the throngs of students, another girl wearing glasses right behind her.

"Her name is Chiyo Mihama." The girl with glasses said. "She runs the student council with a tiny, cute iron fist. She's in communication with Ends of the World. There's this big...plot thing she's trying to arrange and--Osaka, are you listening to me?"

The shorter girl nodded at a tree they were passing. "Chiyo runs the cute student council."

Yomi frowned. "Osaka, this is important. This stupid student council is really dangerous! Do you think I dress up like a British twit and water roses for my health?"

Osaka stopped walking and turned to face Yomi, her face portraying her curiosity. "Do you?"

Yomi stopped her tirade and blinked. "Er...no, and that's the point. Look, let me at least warn you about the President. She's a little crazy, a little dangerous, a little...little. And she's cute. Don't let it throw you off guard though. And whatever you do, don't hug her. She gets insufferable when people dote on her..." Yomi began grumbling under her breath. "Damn egomaniac and her damn plans."

The tall girl went to grab Osaka's hand and caught a fist full of air instead. "Osaka?"

"So cute!" Osaka exclaimed, a few paces away.

Yomi's eyebrow twitched. They were doomed.

Please. Do Not Hug. The Megalomaniac.

"Stop hugging me!"

Osaka loosened her hold, but didn't let go of the miniature genius. "Why?"

"Because I'm trying to revolutionize the world!" Chiyo-chan boldly declared.

"And you can't revolutionize the world while I'm hugging you?"

"Of course not!" Chiyo-chan said as if it were obvious to any idiot within earshot.

"But you're so cute!" Osaka exclaimed.

"I know the Great Chiyo-chan is too cute to resist, but could this at least wait until I get to school?!"

"Why?" Osaka asked. It was a fair question.

Chiyo shook her tiny fists in adorably cute anger. "Because there I can advance my plans to revolutionize the world! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

There was that word again. Osaka wondered what revolutionizing the world meant. She pictured the earth, slowly starting to spin. Didn't the earth spin normally now? Maybe Chiyo was trying to make the world spin faster. Contemplating the earth spinning like a top, Osaka grew dizzy and finally collapsed to the brick walkway, her eyes swirling in her head.

Chiyo-chan leaned over the girl. "Do not hug me." She harumph'd and marched off in that cute way only little kids can.

"Wow. That's some scary cute there." Osaka said to the merrily spinning sky.

"Oh, don't worry about her." Said a delicate voice from above.

Osaka managed, with some difficulty, to make her eyeballs look in the same direction. Another minute of concentration and the world stopped spinning. She found a placid face framed by long purple hair above her.

Wordlessly taking the offered hand, Osaka was pulled to her feet. Instead of 'thank you,' the first words out of her mouth were, "Boy, you sure are tall."

The girl seemed a bit flustered by this statement. Sensing she had hurt the other girl's feelings, Osaka quickly covered herself with, "I mean, thank you for helping me up."

"Oh. It's no problem." The girl looked in the direction the diminutive dictator had left. Her voice was soft, melodious. Osaka was reminded of a harp that could speak. "I'm--" A curious burst of white noise seemed to fill Osaka's ears. She cursed her luck, but she'd only missed the girl's first name, it appeared. "--Sakaki, by the way."

Osaka blinked as several purple roses seemed to hang in the air around the tall Sakaki and rotate in place. Shaking her head to clear it, Osaka introduced herself. "People around here call me Osaka, Sakaki-san. I'm not sure why."

"Aren't you the girl from Osaka?" Like a singing harp, Osaka amended in her mind.

"Oh. Yeah, I guess I am." Osaka said slowly, scratching the back of her head. "You know the Student Council President?"

The tall Sakaki finally looked at Osaka carefully. "Of course. I'm on the Student Council. We're all on the Student Council because of this."

Thoughts of a dancing, singing troupe of harps popped out of Osaka's head as she saw the rose-crested ring that Sakaki displayed on her hand. "Oh. Did you visit that same machine in Osaka?"

"What?" Sakaki asked, confused. "No. I got this ring." She wrinkled her brow in confusion. "I got this ring...well, it doesn't matter where I got this ring from. Everyone on the Student Council wears one, and because they wear one..."

Osaka stood waiting for the rest of the explanation, but Sakaki bounded off down the walk, stopping near the corner to kneel and stare at a flower in the gardens along the main path.

Yomi's hand landed on Osaka's shoulder. "Wow. You're still alive. Sakaki-san is usually Chiyo's enforcer. She's a scary woman."

"She seems nice." Osaka noted. "Purple roses though."

And Osaka left in search of the pint-sized President of the Ohtori Student Council.

Yomi blinked.

* * *

End Episode 1

Draft: 09/19/2005 1st Rev: 09/22/2005


End file.
